Biblical Culture
One of the greatest challenges we have in addressing
this subject is that our cultural norms of social interaction, engagement, and
marriage are quite different in a number of ways to that of biblical history.
Subsequently, many of the questions asked today are not directly addressed in
Scripture. For example, it is evident in Scripture that the family structure
conveyed a measure of protection and provision far exceeding that of our
cultural norm. This is perhaps most apparent when we consider the fact that
most of Scripture was written in cultural contexts where marriages were
typically arranged by the parents. In these settings, the children often had
little or no choice in the matter at all. Therefore, in the Early Church, this
would have been quite irrelevant, unless very much changed in content and
addressed to parents rather than singles. Suffice it to say, in biblical times
the measure of governing authority over the lives of individuals was far
weightier and more clearly defined than in our culture. Generally, Christians
from the Western tradition would consider our freedom of choice a wonderful
liberty, although some have argued for the benefits and merits of the historic
model (usually those already married to the partner of their choice!). However, our focus is finding and applying the wisdom of
God within our current culture, rather than in making comparisons with another on the issues of choosing the right life partner.
Western World Culture
From puberty on wards (and for some, even prior to
this) most people experience a transition from nonchalance to keen interest in
the opposite sex. In Western culture, we have been enormously influenced in
this regard by the media. From infancy, we are constantly bombarded by images
and concepts of physical beauty, romance, and sexuality. We must not be naïve
to the massive effect this has on our thinking. Though not an exhaustive list,
we believe the media has affected much of Western thinking in at least the
following ways:
We believe that most modern thought as portrayed in
the media stands in direct opposition to the wisdom of God. This is evident in
the devastation produced in so many lives.
We do not believe the world has answers for God’s
people, and we are not seeking to conform to the pattern of this world. When
the Word of the Lord and Godly wisdom cuts across our modern mind-set, we are
committed to aligning ourselves with His Word.
Western Church Culture
It is an appalling oversight that so many churches
have no clear instructional direction to help their singles find a path of
righteousness in the minefield of romantic relationships. It seems that single
people in many church settings are left to their own instincts and
experimentation when it comes to developing relationships. This is surely a
recipe for disaster! As a leadership that does bring clear direction to
singles, we have, at times, been accused of being controlling, restrictive,
legalistic, etc. We believe this accusation is unfounded, but are willing to
bear it rather than accept a chaotic and vision-less alternative.
We are certainly not alone in our passion for this
subject, and it is refreshing to see that many different streams of the Church
seem to have awakened to this issue. There are large conferences taking place
throughout our nations that have an emphasis on subjects like: “Called to Be
Single,” “Sexual and Romantic Purity,” etc.
The Lordship Of Christ
For many, the issue of finding a romantic relationship
is obsessive and becomes the recurring, dominant passion of their lives.
Whereas it is only natural and right to have a healthy interest in finding
one’s future life partner, for many single people this has become an issue
which desperately needs to be submitted to the Lordship of Christ. It is tragic
that so many Christians do not grasp the fact that it is sin to allow something
to become the central thought and desire of their lives in place of God
Himself. This is what the Scripture calls idolatry, and it is addressed in the
very first commandment which teaches that we should not have any other gods
before Him. Many single people are unable to enjoy their freedom in Christ
because they find themselves enslaved to a desire for a partner, not realizing
that starting a relationship in this condition is destined to be fraught with
many problems. We would encourage all single people to start with an honest
assessment of their own heart and attitude towards singleness. In doing this,
we can have confidence that the Holy Spirit will bring conviction in areas
where we may need to repent. Only in submission to the Lordship of Christ will
true freedom be found and wise decisions made.
HOW SHOULD SINGLES RELATE TOGETHER?
It is vital that our single people have revelation
from God regarding the value and significance of being single. As with every
aspect of life, God has purposed to demonstrate through the Church His manifold
wisdom. In Paul’s first letter to Timothy, he spells out in the simplest terms
how Timothy, as a young, single man, should relate to the different groups
within the Church. In this statement, we have the condensed wisdom of God:
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as
if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers,
and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity. (1 Timothy 5 v1-2)
Absolute purity! J.B. Phillip’s translation
says,“treat younger women as sisters and nothing else.” For some, this
scripture might sound so far beyond their current thinking that it may seem an
impossible notion, but it is not. God wants us to be transformed by the
renewing of our minds, and by His grace real change can be our experience. It
is interesting that in John’s letter encouraging the Church, he commends the
young men twice for “overcoming the evil one”—specifically because they were
strong and the Word of God lived in them (1 John 2).
So the Word of God gives us the pattern of family as
an example of how we should relate together. This is contrary to a monastic
separation of singles. Instead, it implies developing genuine, deep
friendships, and loving involvement in each other’s lives without the
complication of romance and sexuality. In the awkwardness and confusion that
stems from an overwhelming desire for a romantic relationship, these brotherly
and sisterly relationships can never grow. But, when single men and women,
filled with the Holy Spirit, find the grace of God to build in this way, we
shine a tremendous light in both the darkened world and the compromised and
confused Church.
It should be abundantly clear to us from the Scripture
that sexual intimacy and intense physical affection are totally inappropriate
between brothers and sisters who are “treating each other with absolute
purity.” However, the area which is often much more confusing is that of
emotional intimacy.
DATING
An example of a worldly cultural concept becoming
almost universally accepted in the Church is the concept of “dating” or “going
out with someone.” This is understood to mean some type of exclusive and
committed one-on-one relationship. In many cases, it is entered into without
much real knowledge of the other person and little or no thought of future
marriage (often dating couples are too young to consider such things!). These
dating relationships are accepted as normal—even necessary—as a means of
meeting immediate needs born out of loneliness and a hunger for emotional, and
in some cases, physical intimacy. This is what we would describe as “casual
dating;” the practice of which has been tremendously harmful for many. Where
these types of dating relationships are acceptable, you will often find young
men and women entering into a series of experimental, romantic relationships
resulting in totally inappropriate physical intimacy and emotional injury.
Sadly today, many young couples start their married life damaged by a series of
heart-breaking experiences which they have received themselves or inflicted
upon others. This history doesn’t just go away, and in many cases follows them
into their marriages causing great problems in the realms of trust,
forgiveness, and sexual intimacy. we should reject
this form of casual dating and we should not consider it to be trustworthy as
an initial means of exploring one’s compatibility with a potential partner. So
often we have found individuals suffer great regret and embarrassment when they
act on the initial fervor of first attractions. It pays to take the time to get
to know a person as well as possible before becoming romantically involved, use this as a wise tip to help you choose your life partner.
Even if someone has more serious intentions, we would say that the decision to
launch into a dating relationship should not be rushed. Three times in Song of
Solomon the warning not to “awaken love before it so desires” is solemnly given
to the young maidens.
LIFE’S BIGGEST DECISIONS!
The biggest decision we will ever make is that of
submitting our lives to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. If we live in faithful
commitment to that first and greatest of all decisions, all other decisions
will fall into their right place. When Jesus was addressing His disciples about
the practical needs of life, He said, “But seek first his kingdom and his
righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew
6:33).
After our decision for Christ, the second biggest
decision we will ever make pertains to marriage. Not just who to marry, but
whether to marry at all! It is wise for all single people to give careful
consideration to what the Scriptures have to say regarding the advantages of
serving God as a single person. Once someone has a real revelation of this,
marriage is no longer a foregone conclusion. Both marriage and singleness are
described as a gift by Paul. We are either given one or the other, but in the
end, it’s all about serving God. Before we look at marriage, let us briefly
look at the subject of being single.
SINGLENESS
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be
alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18)
Since God says, “be alone” and not “lonely”, we would
challenge the common myth of our day that we are incomplete in life without a
partner. The truth is that we are only incomplete without the Lord Jesus
Christ’s rightful centrality in our lives. One of the primary attractions of
romance is its promise to remedy the sense of incompleteness that so many
people feel. However, a partner will only temporarily meet this need, for it is
the Lord Himself in whom we are to find our sense of completeness.
So, let’s look at some scriptures that convey
something of God’s heart on the subject of being single:
"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good
for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should
have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill
his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s
body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the
husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not
deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may
devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not
as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift
from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the
widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they
cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to
burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7 :1-8)
"Now about virgins: I have no command from the
Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.
Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you
are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for
a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she
has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I
want to spare you this. What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From
now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn,
as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy
something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the
world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is
passing away. I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is
concerned about the Lord’s affairs: how he can please the Lord. But a married
man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—
and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about
the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and
spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how
she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict
you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the
Lord." (1 Corinthians 7:25-35)
In the light of these verses, we are excited to live
in a day when the call to be single is no longer a rarity. And we pray that in
the years to come those among us who are called to be single will be held in
highest esteem and never made to feel an oddity.
Having said all this about those called to be single,
the majority of Christians today (not “living in the present crisis” to which
Paul refers) do feel very clear in their desire to be married at some point and
believe this is God’s will for their lives. Let’s imagine that someone who has
been faithful until now in treating members of the opposite sex as brothers and
sisters begins to become more ‘aware’ of one particular person, and despite
their best effort, has found it increasingly difficult to think of this person
like the rest of the family of God. This could happen for any number of
reasons, e.g., a word from God, an exceptional friendship, or just tremendous
attraction. Whatever the origin of the feelings, the issue of how to proceed in
developing the relationship becomes paramount at this point.
MOVING FORWARD IN RIGHTEOUSNESS
The first thing we would counsel is usually the last
thing someone in this state wants to hear, which is: slow down, take your time.
At this stage, it is important to remember that in most cases your heart is
very much governing your head and this is dangerous. Jeremiah 17:9 states, “The
heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand
it?” The first experiences of falling in love are both mysterious and
wonderful, look at what Solomon has to say:
“There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a
snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with
a maiden." (Proverbs 30:18-19)
When you are beginning to be drawn romantically
towards someone, you should begin by earnestly seeking God in prayer. Rather
than engaging in many in-depth, heart-sharing conversations, or hours spent in
late night phone calls, texts, and e-mails, we would recommend the wisdom of
stepping back and devoting time to prayer. It is important to realize that as
emotionally intoxicating as this time can be, it is also a time where you are tremendously
prone to being deceived. We would recommend following the specific course of
action listed below before making your feelings known to the object of your
affection.
Submit the whole thing to God and commit yourself to
laying down your feelings and the potential of this relationship if God’s
direction to do so becomes clear. In faith, ask God for wisdom. Talk to the
person to whom you are accountable, this should be your parents, or one of the
elders in the church, or a home group leader representing eldership care
towards you.
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING SEARCHING QUESTIONS:
What
are your primary motivations for starting this relationship? Are they needs
that should be met in God Himself or the Church in general?
Are you practically and emotionally ready to be in a committed
relationship leading to marriage?
This is not to suggest that you should be ready to be
married immediately, but that over a reasonable period of time for a romantic
relationship (e.g., 12 months) you and your intended partner would be ready to
be married, provided all goes well. Are you emotionally ready for this or have
you come out of a number of romantic relationships? Are you rebounding from a
particularly serious previous relationship? Are you practically ready for this
or are you in the middle of a very demanding educational process that requires
your full focus? Have you given serious consideration to your financial
stability in starting this kind of relationship? Obviously, these types of
questions honestly answered by most teenagers would result in the wise decision
to postpone romantic involvement until later in life. When teenagers join the
church and are already in such a relationship, we would typically encourage
them to adjust their involvement to friendship only and begin to socialize
within a group context again.
Has God communicated anything to you that specifically relates
to this relationship?
It is important that we are prayerful and attentive to
God when considering a romantic relationship. That said, the truth is for most
it is very difficult to hear God once romantic feelings emerge because of our
tendency to hear what our hearts want to hear. The key is being honest with
ourselves and quieting our hearts to really listen to God. It is amazing how
often we have heard people coming out of relationships that have not worked out
well, saying that from the start God had made it clear to them in one way or
another that the relationship was wrong! If you do believe that God has spoken
to you about the relationship, write it down and have those with discernment
and objectivity help you weigh the word before you accept it as “the word of
the Lord.”
Is the person you are interested in clearly born again, baptized
in water, and filled with the Holy Spirit?
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what
do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light
have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). To be clear, we see a romantic
relationship as a very definite yoking or joining of life. Therefore, we would
say that the Scripture clearly prohibits entering into a romantic relationship
with an unbeliever. The reason we have included the issues of water baptism and
being filled with the Holy Spirit is that they are, according to Scripture,
part of the authentic conversion experience (Acts 2:38). We must not compromise
on these issues; many have faked Christianity to win the heart of a believer.
We are aware at this point that some will now recount a situation they have
encountered whereby a Christian became romantically involved with an unbeliever
who ended up getting saved. We feel it is important that no one draws the wrong
conclusion from this; it is an expression of the enormous mercy of God that He
has determined to bring good from bad. It would be most foolish for us to
conclude that this type of exceptional outcome to the rejection of biblical
instruction represents God’s endorsement of this practice. For every
relationship of this type that appears to work out, there are dozens that end
in disaster. Romantic involvement is not a legitimate means of evangelism!
Does this potential partner demonstrate in word and deed a
genuine love for God and a “Kingdom first” attitude?
When starting a romantic relationship, what we often
long to hear is an expression of our partner’s love for us. However, we would
do better to look for the way they express their love for God and others. In
time, the initial intensity of the feelings of “falling in love” will settle
down and you will find yourself interacting with the real person. If you have
eyes to see it, their love, faithfulness, and commitment to God and other
people can give you a tremendous insight into the type of partner they will
prove to be!
Do you share the same vision and passion for spiritual priorities?
There is more to being “unequally yoked” than just the
most obvious believer/unbeliever issue. Two believers, each with real passion
for God, can have a completely different sense of call and direction in life,
which if not talked through and reconciled can lead to years of frustration and
conflict.
How does he or she submit to authority?
Sadly, independence and rebellion is glamorized in
Western culture, and therefore, the “bad boy/girl” image has become attractive.
Many a young Christian has been drawn by some type of missionary zeal and the
delusion that the irresistible force of their romantic love has the power to
somehow tame the rebel heart. This is the height of romantic foolishness. What
do you think your romantic notions will accomplish when the immensity of God’s
love towards this individual has not produced a submissive and obedient heart?
A rebellious spirit might be an exciting initial concept, but anyone who has
ended up married to such an individual will have a very different story to
tell.
Does this person build good friendships?
Romantic feelings are intoxicating, and like excessive
alcohol, they can cause us to behave quite differently to how we might in a
sober state. Often, romantic feelings can cause a normally inexpressive,
guarded individual to open up and share feelings and thoughts that they
normally wouldn’t. This, in turn, has caused many a young person to proclaim in
delight, “We have become best friends,” seemingly in a matter of days. Other
statements often follow, such as: “I’m the only person he or she can really talk
to…” or “They really understand me, we think just like one another.” These
comments are often expressed with a sense of mystery and wonder as though they
confirm the miraculous orchestration of God Himself. In most cases, they are
nothing more than the common effects of romantic love in its formative stage.
This is why we would encourage you at this point to consider the other
friendships active in the potential partner’s life, those where romantic
feelings are not involved. If your relationship with this person lasts, it will
grow into far more of a committed friendship over time. Marriage is not being
carried along on a continual wave of romantic intoxication until death!
Granted, romance continues to play a part in the wonder of marriage, but its
foundation is committed, genuine friendship. So, if you have become this
individual’s best friend, or even only true friend in a very short period of
time, we would suggest that this is anything but a good sign. Rather than an
indication of the wonder of your relationship, it should highlight the
deficiency in friendship-building, which really should be examined before your
relationship proceeds.
What have you seen in this person’s character in terms of
humility, servanthood, and love for others?
It’s remarkably easy for even the most selfish and
obnoxious of individuals to exercise servanthood and generosity when pursuing
the object of their affection. One of the reasons it is so helpful to get to
know a potential partner in a group setting prior to the introduction of
romance is that it will give you a far more accurate idea of their character
than the “falling in love” version will.
What do your friends think of this potential relationship?
With the emerging of a romantic relationship and its
tendency towards exclusivity, previously trusted friends are often neglected.
If these friends should dare to express reservation regarding this new romantic
relationship, they are often totally rejected. Obviously, not all friends are
trustworthy; some may be jealous or selfish in their counsel. However, this
should not normally be the case with fellow believers who are true friends.
Rather than stepping away from them, this is a time we would encourage you to
give real attention to their thoughts. They love you and know you and usually
have your best interests at heart, so give serious consideration to their
observations.
Have you been able to build a substantial friendship with this
person prior to introducing romantic involvement?
As already mentioned, friendship is one of the most
foundational, enduring aspects of a long term relationship. If you end up
married to this person it will be critical, and if not, friendship has the
power to endure even after a break up. Romance greatly affects the purity of
friendship, so we do well to build as strong a friendship as possible prior to
introducing romance.
What can you learn from this person’s history of romantic
relationships?
Every new romantic relationship carries with it the
promise of being different and better than anything that has gone on
previously. A line from a famous 80’s love song was “Darling, don’t you know
with you I’m born again?” The biblical answer to that question is, “No, you’re
not!” You might feel like a new creation when you’re falling in love, but the reality
is that your feelings will simmer down and you will find the strengths and
weaknesses of your character will begin to emerge again. This is why it is
stupid to ignore a potential partner’s history of relationships, somehow
thinking that it’s going to be completely different with you. Don’t be afraid
to ask direct and tough questions. Remember, this is one of the biggest
decisions you will ever make and it will affect the rest of your life, so don’t
enter into it blind and ignorant.
How well do you know this person’s family background?
It is true that when we are “born again,” we become
“new creations.” However, there remain many patterns of behavior and
expectations that are influenced by our families of origin. It is also a
reality that marriage is a union of families, not just individuals; therefore,
we can gain great insights by exploring family background.
Are you spiritually, emotionally, and physically attracted to
the person you would like to start a relationship with?
The fact that God has allowed us choice in our life
partner means that the responsibility of exercising wisdom now belongs to us.
The blessing of God in our life is often directly linked to the wisdom of our
choices. It would be most unwise to enter into this life commitment with the
absence of spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction. You might find this a
somewhat obvious statement, but many have conceded on one or more of these
issues with great regret. Some have said, for example, ‘I’m extremely
physically attracted to this person, but I’m emotionally unsure, as there is
much in their personality that irritates me.’ Many spiritually strong women
have conceded on the issue of leadership ability when choosing their future
partners. We consider this to be one of the most unwise concessions for a woman
to make, and tragically, it has led many Godly women to spiritual frustration.
In contrast to this, it is extremely rare to find any who are truly willing to
overlook the issue of physical attraction, which while obviously being an
issue, is dwarfed in significance when compared to the aforementioned spiritual
issue.
Is this person interested in starting a romantic relationship
with you?
If so, how have they expressed this to you? How much
otherwise productive time has been spent on totally unrealistic romantic
fantasy, God only knows. Everyone wants to feel that they have somehow
"reached up" in winning their partner; somehow capturing the man or
woman of their dreams rather than simply having "settled" for
someone. On the other side of the equation, no one wants to feel that their
partner "settled" for them. When we add to this problem the fact that
for many, it is very difficult to accurately assess their own personal level of
attractiveness thus enabling them to consider realistic potential partners, it
is a wonder that so many couples do find each other, but praise God, they do!
In all this uncertainty and confusion, single people can spend large quantities
of time wondering and even fantasizing about relationships that simply will
never be. In extreme cases, this can lead to uncomfortable, obsessive behavior.
One has to be very careful when feelings are developing towards someone who has
not clearly expressed reciprocated feelings. “The heart sees what it wants to
see and hears what it wants to hear.” Some of this can be avoided by simply
finding out what the person feels about you before you go too far down the road
in your own heart. If the person makes clear that they have no interest in
developing a romantic relationship with you, the only safe way to deal with
your feelings is severely and absolutely. Once the person has made their
feelings clear, trust no other way. The person to whom you have been attracted
to must become again a brother or sister and nothing else. In most cases, we
would recommend giving the situation time and room to sort out. This will help
to avoid any sense of awkwardness for you and the person to whom you are
attracted, and will also allow you time to gather up and rule your own
feelings.
Do you have the blessing and encouragement of the person to whom
you are spiritually accountable in starting this relationship?
Thankfully, God has not left you alone in making these
enormous decisions. Although in the end your leaders don’t make these decisions
for you, they will prove invaluable in bringing objective, Godly advice, and
counsel. If ever there is a time to heed their counsel, this would be it.
What would your attitude be towards sacrificing or postponing
the start of this relationship?
The ultimate test of Lordship in our lives (even
regarding good things) is our willingness to sacrifice them to the Lord. This
is something so evidently seen in Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice Isaac. On
that occasion, God stayed Abraham’s hand, but the willingness was there. Often,
given a little time, perspectives will change and we can come to a very
different place than we started in our feelings. If unsure, it is far better to
give it some time than recklessly push ahead. When something is truly from God,
we will inherit it through faith and patience.
NO AIMLESS WANDERING
Therefore, as is evident from these searching
questions, we would encourage those in our care only to initiate a romantic
relationship if they have a clear inclination towards marriage. This is not to
say that we believe all of these relationships would or should conclude in
marriage, but we do believe their only legitimate purpose is preparatory
towards marriage. If the realistic goal of marriage is not in sight, we would
raise the question, “What right have you to draw someone into an intimate,
romantic relationship when he or she is quite likely to be someone else’s
husband or wife in the future?” In short, we believe that romantic involvement
should be considered a very serious step forward, upon which one should only
embark at the positive conclusion of the things outlined above.
APPROPRIATE CONDUCT WITHIN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
It is of critical importance that any couple who has
entered into a romantic relationship has good, regular input from those in
leadership caring for them and to whom they are accountable. The following
represents only a few thoughts with regard to how couples should outwork their
relationship and is in no way an alternative to this care. Assuming a couple
has followed the previous counsel outlined in this paper and still has faith to
move forward, we would suggest the following guidelines:
Even though a lot further along in your feelings and
the seriousness of your intentions than many who “casually date,” you still need
to be faithful with regard to sexual purity. It is vital that clear boundaries
are set between what is considered legitimate affection and what is deemed
inappropriate, sexual involvement. Beware of any involvement with each other
that ignites sexual passion. The question, “How far can we go?” is often
raised. It might be helpful to put it this way: don’t do anything in private
that you would feel uncomfortable doing in the presence of the person to whom
you are accountable! All sexual involvement is reserved for marriage, so be
practical in setting strict boundaries and be determined to be faithful to God
and your partner in this. For example, avoid spending too much time alone
together, particularly where privacy is likely and becoming intimate is easy. Call
it a night at a reasonable time before you get too tired and your defenses
begin to weaken. Be wary of excessive physical closeness: hugs, and comforting
when your partner is upset, and massaging when they are tired are typical
scenarios where many couples have found themselves in compromising positions.
If alone together relaxing, watching a movie, etc., stay vertical! Getting
horizontal will usually lead to trouble. Finally, keep your hands off each
other; if there is nothing more than holding hands, you’re in pretty safe
territory.
This might seem extreme or a little more specific than
some would like, but we want to be very clear on this issue and leave no room
for the enemy’s deception. Tragically, we have known many Christians that have
been oblivious to the importance of sexual purity and the temptations of
physical involvement before marriage. In their ignorance and carnality, some
have eventually fallen into the sin of fornication, while many others have
engaged in virtually every form of sexual intimacy apart from intercourse. While
we are eternally grateful for the forgiveness of God and the fact that we are
saved from the ultimate result of our sin, there are, nevertheless,
consequences to these patterns of sin in our lives. We want to help couples in
romantic relationships prepare for a God-glorifying marriage by honoring God in
their pre-marriage relationship.
BREAKING UP WITHOUT REGRET
As mentioned earlier, not all romantic relationships
will end in marriage even when they have been approached in a Godly way.
However, when a couple has truly honoured each other, put each other’s concerns
before their own, remained Christ-cantered, kept prayer a significant feature,
and stayed within the boundaries they have set with regard to sexual issues,
then there is an ability to break up to the glory of God. We have known
couples, even engaged couples, who have been able to break up and maintain an
ongoing love and friendship for one another, their lives having been enriched
by exploring the potential of marriage, but coming to the conclusion that this
was not for them.
MARRIAGE BUILT ON A FIRM FOUNDATION
We are aware that by the grace of God many marriages
have come together having somehow avoided many of the dangers outlined in this
paper and as a result some might feel our position is unnecessary. However, we
believe our teaching on this subject is appropriate to the day in which we
live. The ultimate goal of our counsel is to avoid the enormous injury we have
seen in Church life as a result of the lack of teaching on these issues. It has
been our great joy over the years to see many couples enter into their
marriages on a firm foundation, having established a real basis of love,
commitment, trust, leadership, and integrity in their single days.
How To Choose Your Husband Or Wife
Five Biblical Questions To Ask Yourself
How to choose your husband or wife is one of the
essential questions many people ask themselves.
I have five essential questions that you have got to
answer for yourself. Each question deals with the subject of how to choose your
husband or wife. No one can answer these
for you. But I can assure you that if
you will take this outline and consider it deeply, it will profoundly affect
your decision about the person you are to marry or not marry.
The
first question is:
Am I willing to follow the Word of God or am I going to follow
Hollywood as I select a marriage partner?
If you want a rock-solid marriage you have to build
your marriage on the rock. How to choose a husband or wife begins for
Christians on deciding to follow God.
As a believer in Jesus, you need to build your life on the Rock Christ
Jesus and not on the sinking sands of modern culture and thinking. Following Hollywood’s ideas of dating and
marriage is building your life on the sinking sands. However, if you follow the Word of God, if
you hear the sayings of Jesus and do them, you will build your life as a wise
person and your home and marriage will survive the storms of life. The wisdom of how to choose your husband and
wife comes from these words of Jesus:
Matthew 7:24 “Therefore whoever hears these sayings of
Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the
rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that
house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.”
You can be easily influenced in a wrong way just by
living in the culture you live in.
Believe it or not most of us have been influenced by the popular
culture. Hollywood influences American
culture in a very powerful way as it relates to this subject of dating and
marriage. Here are some things to consider:
How many love songs have you heard in your life?
Probably thousands!
How many tv programs have you watched dealing with
dating and marriage? Hundreds!
How many movies have you seen that promote Hollywood’s
ideas rather than God’s ideas? Lots!
Hollywood’s idea of how to choose your husband or wife
is to allow emotion alone to be the supreme factor in this decision of who you
marry. Hollywood’s process is that you “fall in love.” When you find that person, something will
just snap and you will just know. How do I choose a husband or wife? It’s the way they walk or look or talk. A brief look or gesture may be enough. You
may not know their name, or their character, but you are in love.
In Sleepless in Seattle, all Tom Hanks needs is his
little boy to get on the radio and tell the nation the sad story of his
father’s life, and Meg Ryan knows she is in love with this man. When they finally meet up on top of the
empire state building, all it takes is two strangers looking at each other and
they are in love.
While it makes a wonderful romantic comedy, the
chances of a marriage like that working out in real life are highly
improbable. So, let’s call it what it
is. It’s a lie. It is ridiculous. That
is not how to choose your husband or wife.
According to our pop culture’s concept of love, you
can sing, “Hello I love you will you tell me your name?” with a straight face.
You know it’s love because you have ooey gooey feelings and electrical pulses
all over your body. Unfortunately, your IQ drops about thirty points when you
fall in love. I mean love makes you crazy. You do things you would have never
done. It’s all so emotional…it’s got to be real because you feel it. Yet, isn’t this the way that the culture says
you find love? You meet someone, you
fall in love, and then you put your hopes dreams and life in a feeling.
Love is a decision that one makes, not how you feel. I
am not saying that feelings never accompany love. But love based just on feelings will lead you
to making a mistake. The greatest love
ever demonstrated was Christ love for us on the cross. We know that was about His decision to obey
not his feelings.
If you follow the Word and not your feelings, you will
be so much better prepared to make a solid decision under the direction of the
Holy Spirit.
The
second question is…
2. Is this person a true
believer in Christ?
As a pastor, I have asked people when they start
dating someone if they are a believer. More than not, they will say, yes, he
goes to such and such a church. Or, their family is religious. Or he believes
in God. I am not asking that question.
The question is are they a true believer in Jesus? I don’t mean did they once
say a prayer. I don’t mean to the
acknowledge a higher power up there somewhere. The question is Have they been
born again. This is a critical concept
in how to choose your husband or wife.
A born-again believer doesn’t act like the world. He
will be easy to spot by the fruit that he bears. The scripture plainly says, 2
Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally
yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with
lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” A Christian is not supposed to marry someone
who is an unbeliever. I do my very best
as a pastor not to perform a marriage like that because it against the word.
Ask yourself these questions:
Does this person ever read the bible?
Do they go to church?
Do they listen to godly music?
Do they pray?
Do they talk about their relationship with God?
Here is the big one…have they repented of their sin?
Is there life changed?
I am not saying they have to be perfect in all
aspects. Here is a great diagnostic question to ask on the first date: How has your life changed because you have
become a believer? If they don’t have an answer, maybe it’s time not to
continue on dating that person. Don’t even
go on a date with someone who isn’t a Christian. Here is why? You may fall in
love with them. Be cautious! Put God’s Word first. Feeling in love is not
enough of a reason to violate the commandment of God. Even if your feelings are tied up in the
other person, if you feel in love, if that person isn’t a real Christian you don’t
want to marry them.
If you do, one of three things will happen.
Your faith will be marginalized. In order to please
that spouse, you will have to push things off to the side that if you married a
believer you wouldn’t have to. Things like participation in church activities,
missions, tithing, small groups, bible study, prayer. You will have to
marginalize your faith to please them.
The second scenario is that your spouse who is not a
believer will have to marginalize what they think is important in life in order
to please you. They may end up resenting the fact that you can’t go or won’t go
to certain types of events and places. They may resent the fact that you go to
church or spend time with other believers.
The marriage may break up because of it. Some people
think, it could never happen. Don’t
believe it. It does happen.
Well, couldn’t it be that I win them to Christ? I know
some people who got married and later the unbeliever became a Christian and
it’s all okay now. That is not wisdom
and the Bible addresses this in 1
Corinthians 7:16 “ For how do you know,
O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband,
whether you will save your wife?” The truth is you do not know if they will
come to faith in Christ.
Who wants that kind of marriage? A marriage where
values clash, where there is stress over moral issues, and where the one who is
supposed to encourage your faith, actually discourages your faith.
Make sure they are really a born-again believer! That
doesn’t mean you a guaranteed a perfect life. But it is a good foundation, a
good to place to start.
3. What do those who are
closest to me say?
Proverbs 15:22 “Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are
established.”
I am not saying
that as an adult you need your mom and dad’s permission for everything in life.
But sometimes listening to your parents can save you a lot of grief. Sometimes, listening to a pastor or other
mature believer can really help you. God
gave us two ears and one mouth. That means we are to listen. If every around
you is objecting to the relationship, maybe they can see something that you are
blind to or just refuse to see.
Sometimes it is just that the timing is wrong. That is
one of the great problems in our world today. Our culture promotes boyfriends
and girlfriends in sixth and seventh grades.
They aren’t ready for that. Don’t
be in a hurry! There are going to be
plenty of opportunities.
In fact, prepare yourself to be a good husband or wife
by getting all the education you can. It
makes life easier when money is not quite so tight. Children and raising a family are expensive.
Those who rush into it often struggle financially. So prepare yourself by listening to Godly
counsel.
How to choose your husband or wife is a daunting task.
So why take it on alone? And whatever you do, don’t go
looking just for someone to agree with you.
There will always be someone who will see it your way. Listen to the other side, pray about it, and
ask the Holy Spirit to guide you.
4. Have I looked close
enough to see the real person?
I read some time ago that a panel of women debated on
who they thought was the perfect man. You’d have thought it might be famous
actor or wealthy tycoon. But the final
conclusion of this panel was that the Perfect Man was actually Mr. Potato
Head. Their reasoning: He’s tan. He’s cute. He knows the importance of
accessorizing. And if he looks at
another girl, you can rearrange his face.
In all seriousness, don’t be deceived by good looks.
Don’t be deceived by the handsome smile, or the sexy body. Get to know the real
person. I knew my wife Jureen very well
before we got married. We dated each other for three years. This year we
celebrate 40 years of marriage.
I could give a questionnaire a mile long:
What kind of a worker are they?
Are they honest?
Do they lie?
Are they flirtatious with others?
Are they addicted to something?
Do they break the law?
Are they moody?
Are they happy?
Are they a chronic griper?
Can they cook?
Do they leave the dishes in the sink for weeks?
Do they have a clean room?
There is a little poem I memorized years ago
Don’t kiss your gal by the backyard gate
Love is blind, but the neighbours aren’t.
That is a silly poem.
But it brings out a powerful truth!
Love is blind BEFORE you get married.
After you get married, the blinders come off.
How to choose your husband or wife includes inspecting
the fruit they have produced in life. Someone may say, “Well I don’t want to
judge.” This is not about being a
critical ugly judge and making a list of someone’s faults to berate them. This is about seeing if the person is who you
think they are. Matthew 7:16a “You will
know them by their fruits.”
There is no such thing as buyer’s remorse in marriage.
You can’t take them back to Wal Mart and get your money back. You can’t trade them in for a new model. You are making a covenant between God you and
your spouse.
For better or worse.
For richer or poorer
In sickness and health
Till death do you part.
Go into marriage eyes wide open.
Can I give you some reasons that do not mean you have
to get married? Many have gotten married
because of the following reasons when really they shouldn’t have.
Just because a person is pregnant by someone doesn’t
mean they should get married.
Just because you have lived together doesn’t mean you
should get married.
Just because you have been intimate doesn’t mean you
should get married.
By the way, living together is wrong according to the
Bible. Sexual relations are reserved for
those who legally get married.
5. Is my judgment being
clouded by sex?
If you are having sex before you are married, you are
allowing yourself to be swayed by the current culture and your own
desires. And it will cloud your
decision.
Let me illustrate how deceptive the world’s definition
of “love” can be. Picture a young couple
who has been dating for a few weeks. It
isn’t long before this young man tells his girlfriend how much he loves her and
how difficult it is to keep his hands off her.
Pressing her to engage in a physical relationship, he explains that he
“loves her so much” he can no longer restrain himself. The truth is, any young woman who hears that
line should realize that the young man doesn’t love her too much… he loves her
too little. Actually, he’s not thinking
about her. He’s only thinking about himself.
He would never rob innocence and purity from one he truly loves. His insistence on a physical relationship
only proves one thing: he loves himself much more than he loves her.
Sex can cloud the waters to the degree that you can’t
think straight. People take this way too
lightly in our culture. But the Word of
God takes it as something very serious.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Flee sexual immorality. Every
sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality
sins against his own body. Or do you not
know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you
have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price;
therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”
Sex produces a bond between two people. It is a strong
bond. That is why God said to reserve it for marriage. I have also heard this
in my time as pastor: “Well, we were
going to get married anyway pastor. We just got overcome by our passions and
flesh.” Well, okay, get married then.
But don’t live in a perpetual state of sinning against your own body.
There are consequences to premarital sex. Understand
that when you have sex before marriage, the amount of trust you have in the
person after marriage is less. And the
amount of trust they have in you is less, because if they will be immoral with
you, doesn’t it seem possible that could be immoral with others.
It’s time we get back to bible standards. Sometimes
you need to cool things down! Stop and
evaluate your life.
The question of how to choose a husband or wife is not
an easy one. But the Word of God give us all the direction we need. My prayer for you is that you would find the
man or woman God wants you to marry.
Comments
Post a Comment