GOD'S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

 GOD’S DESIGN FOR MARRIAGE

It’s easy to think that only “other people” get divorced, that your own marriage is somehow immune to heartache. Consequently, you think only others experience infidelity and fights over who gets the house, the car, the dog. After all, how many of us would walk down the aisle if we believed our relationships would end up in divorce court? Truth is, no relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee. Even men and women who grew up in stable homes are at risk. Further, those who attend church and consider themselves Christians, who promise “until death do us part,” can have it all fall apart. As Christians, we know that applying biblical principles to marriage will give us a stronger foundation than those of our unbelieving friends and neighbours. Surely we know this, but what are we doing about it? In other words, what makes a marriage “Christian”?

According to author Gary Thomas, we’re not asking the right questions. What if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God? Instead of asking why we have struggles in the first place, the more important issue is how we deal with them. So then, how can we use the challenges, joys, struggles and celebrations of marriage to draw closer to God? What if God designed marriage to make us both happy and holy?

In that case,  “We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession,”. Instead, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together.

So, what is the most common misconception Christians have about marriage?

“Finding a ‘soul mate’ — someone who will complete us,” he says. “The problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it’s idolatry. We are to find our fulfilment and purpose in God. . . . If we expect our spouse to be ‘God’ to us, he or she will fail every day. No person can live up to such expectations.” Everyone has bad days, yells at his or her spouse or is downright selfish. Despite these imperfections, God created the husband and wife to steer each other in His direction.

Thomas offers an example: “When my wife forgives me . . . and accepts me, I learn to receive God’s forgiveness and acceptance as well. In that moment, she is modelling God to me, revealing God’s mercy to me, and helping me to see with my own eyes a very real spiritual reality.”

Marriage is an other-cantered union.

 It’s easy to see why God designed an other-centered union for a me-centered world. Living that way is a challenge when bills pile up, communication breaks down and you’re just plain irritated with your husband or wife. For those days, Thomas offers these reminders to help ease the tension:

God created marriage as a loyal partnership between one man and one woman.

Marriage is the firmest foundation for building a family.

God designed sexual expression to help married couples build intimacy.

Marriage mirrors God’s covenant relationship with His people.

We see this last parallel throughout the Bible. For instance, Jesus refers to himself as the “bridegroom” and to the kingdom of heaven as a “wedding banquet.” These points demonstrate that God’s purposes for marriage extend far beyond personal happiness. God isn’t against happiness per se, but that marriage promotes even higher values. “God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution to raise children. Further, He planted marriage among humans as yet another signpost pointing to His own eternal, spiritual existence.”

Serving your spouse

He spends the entire evening at the office — again. She spends money without entering it in the check book. He goes golfing instead of spending time with the kids. From irritating habits to weighty issues that seem impossible to resolve, loving one’s spouse through the tough times isn’t easy. But the same struggles that drive us apart also shed light on what we value in marriage. “If happiness is our primary goal, we’ll get a divorce as soon as happiness seems to wane,” Thomas says. “If receiving love is our primary goal, we’ll dump our spouse as soon as they seem to be less attentive. But if we marry for the glory of God, to model His love and commitment to our children, and to reveal His witness to the world, divorce makes no sense.”

Couples who’ve survived a potentially marriage-ending situation, such as infidelity or a life-threatening disease, may continue to battle years of built-up resentment, anger or bitterness. So, what are some ways to strengthen a floundering relationship — or even encourage a healthy one.

We can try these practical tips:

Focus on your spouse’s strengths rather than their weaknesses.

Encourage rather than criticize.

Pray for your spouse instead of gossiping about them.

Learn and live what Christ teaches about relating to and loving others.

Young couples in particular can benefit from this advice. After all, many newlyweds aren’t adequately prepared to make the transition from seeing one another several times a week to suddenly sharing everything. Odds are, annoying habits and less-than-appealing behaviours will surface. Yet as Christians, we are called to respect everyone — including our spouse.

Marriages need God’s grace and mercy

Thomas adds, “The image I use in Sacred Marriage is that we need to learn how to ‘fall forward.’ That is, when we are frustrated or angry, instead of pulling back, we must still pursue our partner under God’s mercy and grace.”

Lastly, we can pray the following prayer: Lord, how can I love my spouse today like (s)he’s never been loved and never will be loved. With a Christ-centered relationship, an other-centered attitude and an unwavering commitment to making it work, your marriage can flourish — just as God designed.

The relationship between God and Jesus is the Christian model for the ideal marriage relationship

Marriage is not man-made; neither is it subject to human design. God is the author of marriage, meaning marriage was made in heaven. The greatest marriage of all is that between God the Father and Jesus the Son. Theirs is the supreme love story; one that is eternal and everlasting. God loved Jesus before the foundation of the world. (John 17:24). The relationship between God and Jesus is the Christian model for the ideal marriage relationship. It gives us the exemplary insight of how husbands and wives should relate to one another. Jesus’ prayer for the Church is also applicable to the husband and wife in the Christian marriage. He says:

“I pray that they all may be one, as you, Father, are in me, and I in you; that they also may be one in us. That they may be one just as we are one: I in them, and you in me; that they may be made perfect in one, that the love with which you loved me may be in them, and I in them.” (John 17:20-26).

Family of God

At the dawn of creation, God said: “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness.” (Genesis 1:26). The plural community that reflects God’s image is the special community of the husband and the wife. When God created man in his image, he created a marriage; a family relationship: “God created human beings, making them to be like himself. He created them male and female.” (Genesis 1:27).

The marriage community is a sacred reflection of the family of God. Its identity, life and power come from God. Paul says: “For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named.” (Ephesians 3:14-15).

The following aspects of God’s relationship with Jesus is the blueprint of the ideal husband/wife relationship.

Love and devotion

Jesus says: “The Father loves the Son.” (John 5:20). As the Father loves the Son, so must the husband love his wife. This love must not be hidden but should be openly displayed. Jesus says: “The world must learn that I love the Father.” (John 14:31). The wedding ceremony gives the husband and the wife the imperative from thenceforth to show the world their love for one another. The days of pretence and coyness are over. No more: “If I call him on the phone he might think I am running after him.” “If I phone to tell her where I am; my friends might get the impression that I am tied to her apron-strings.” Let everyone know you are head-over-heels in love with your spouse. Let your friends know it. Let your parents know it. Let your children know it. The marriage relationship is all about love. Express it to the full. Husband and wife must be devoted to pleasing one another. Jesus says: “He who sent me is with me. The Father has not left me alone, for I always do those things that please him.” (John 8:29). The husband should be his wife’s faithful companion. So also should the wife remain steadfast beside her husband. Even when they are apart, they must remain mindful of one another. Moreover, they should always do things to please one another.

Harmony and unity

Husband and wife have different roles and accomplish different functions in marriage. The assignment of God the Father is different from that of God the Son. Jesus says: “My Father loves me, because I lay down my life that I may take it again.” (John 10:17). The Son does not begrudge the Father his role. Neither does the Father begrudge the Son. The same should apply between husband and wife. Jesus acknowledges the headship of God. He says: “My Father is greater than I.” (John 14:28). Marriage is the union between husband and wife. Therefore, they are required to live together in unity of mind and purpose. Jesus says: “I and my Father are one.” (John 10:30). So should be the husband and the wife. Jesus says: “I am in the Father and the Father is in me.” (John 14:11). This is the most profound expression of intimacy that is possible. Physically, it can only take place between husband and wife. Spiritually, it means the husband and the wife carry one another along wherever they go and in whatever they do. They should also have all things in common. Jesus says to God: “All I have is yours, and all you have is mine.” (John 17:10). There is no private property anymore. No more should one say: “My salary is mine but your salary is ours.”

Communication

Communication is an essential element in marriage. There must be no silent treatment between husband and wife. Jesus says: “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. And I know that you always hear me.” (John 11:41-42). Husband and wife must always listen to one another. The one should never be too busy to listen to what the other has to say. They should allow one another to finish their sentences. They should always be sending each other love notes and text-messages. They must share everything. Jesus says: “The Father loves the Son, and shows him all things that he himself does; and he will show him greater works than these, that you may marvel.” (John 5:20). There must be nothing hidden in the husband/wife relationship. No hidden letters or bank accounts. No holding back. Everything must be laid bare. Each partner must stand naked and unashamed before the other. (Genesis 2:25).

Interdependence

Husband and wife must do everything together. Jesus says: “The Son can do nothing by himself.” (John 5:19). Marriage means that both husband and wife have chosen to lose their independence. They are now a team. Jesus says: “I do nothing of myself; but as my Father taught me, I speak these things.” (John 8:28). Seek each other’s counsel in everything. Don’t start a business without consulting your wife or your husband. There is a peculiar wisdom that God has given to your wife. There is a peculiar wisdom that God has given to your husband. One completes the other. One complements the other. There is no competition. The wife submits to the husband, and the husband loves the wife. Jesus says: “I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.” (John 15:10). Submission reinforces love and love reinforces submission. The more the husband loves his wife; the more he expresses love for his wife, the more she will submit to him. Similarly, the more the wife submits to her husband the more he will love her. Husband and wife esteem one another. Jesus says: “If I honour myself, my honour is nothing. It is my Father who honours me.” (John 8:54). Husband and wife must operate as a kind of mutual admiration society. They must be one another’s major cheerleaders. Where the husband disrespects his wife, the marriage does not last, and where the wife disrespects the husband, the marriage does not last.

Solomon says: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22).

The modern world has created a lot of confusion regarding the roles of the wife and husband in marriage. Most of the traditional gender roles are considered outdated and it is no longer clear who does what. This confusion has compelled many Christian couples to want to know what the bible says about marriage and the roles of the wife and husband in a biblical marriage. Thankfully, the scriptures are clear about this.

The Husband’s Role in a Christian Marriage

Leadership

The bible makes it very clear that the responsibility of leadership in marriage falls squarely on the husband’s shoulders. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says that “Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” This scripture is often misinterpreted to mean that women are viewed as second-class citizens. However, this isn’t true.  The scripture states that the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. A good husband loves his wife unconditionally and is a servant leader just like Christ.

Unconditional Love

In Ephesians 5:25 the bible commands husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her.” A husband’s love for his wife should not be based on her actions. He should respect, affirm and love her at all times.

Sacrifice

Sacrificial action is an integral part of the husband’s role as the head of the home. Again, Christ is a wonderful example of this. He demonstrated servant leadership by washing his disciple’s feet. In marriage, being a servant leader means ensuring that the wife’s material, emotional and spiritual needs are met.

The Wife’s Role in a Biblical Marriage

Perhaps more than at any other time in history, women today need a clear understanding of how they should relate to their husbands. In fact, the significant social changes brought about by the women’s liberation movement over the last few decades have led to such confusion that the very idea of “roles” is repugnant to some. They feel as if somehow they lose their identity and their freedom if they adhere to some type of “outdated standard.”

It’s important for us to look clearly at what the Bible says on this subject. And while the Bible doesn’t apply our modern word “role” to marriage, the Scriptures are clear about the unique responsibilities God assigns to a wife. Special note: I suggest that you also read Dennis’s answer to the question, “What should be the husband’s role in marriage?” before you continue this section. A wife’s responsibilities can be properly understood only in the context of loving, servant leadership by her husband.

1. Be a helper to your husband.

While all of us are called to be helpers to others, the Bible places a special emphasis on this responsibility for wives. Genesis tells us that God realized it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and that He decided to make a “helper suitable for him” (Gen. 2:18). It is interesting to note that the Hebrew meaning of the word helper in this passage is found hereafter in the Bible to refer only to God as He helps us. The fact that this same word is applied to a wife signifies that we women have been given tremendous power for good in our husbands’ lives. God has designed wives to help their husbands become all that God intends for them to be.

2. Respect your husband.

In Ephesians 5:33, Paul says, ” … the wife must respect her husband.” When you respect your husband you reverence him, notice him, regard him, honor him, prefer him, and esteem him. It means valuing his opinion, admiring his wisdom and character, appreciating his commitment to you, and considering his needs and values. Our husbands have many needs. The macho man who is self-contained, independent, and invulnerable is a myth. Meeting these needs is what respecting your husband is all about. To bolster Dennis’s confidence, for example, I try to encourage him by being his number one fan. Every husband wants his wife to be on his team, to coach him when necessary, but most of all to be his cheerleader. A husband needs a wife who is behind him, believing in him, appreciating him, and cheering him on as he goes out into the world every day.

3. Love your husband.

Titus 2:4 calls for wives “to love their husbands.” A good description of the kind of love your husband needs is “unconditional acceptance.” In other words, accept your husband just as he is—an imperfect person. Love also means being committed to a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship. I realize there is a whole lot more to love than sex, but we are looking at how to fulfill God’s command to love our husbands. Therefore, we must look at love from their perspective, not just our own. Surveys show that sex is one of a man’s most important needs—if not the most important. When a wife resists intimacy, is uninterested, or is only passively interested, her husband may feel rejection. It will cut at his self-image, tear at him to the very center of his being, and create isolation. My husband’s sexual needs should be more important and higher on my priority list than menus, housework, projects, activities, and even the children. It does not mean that I should think about sex all day and every day, but it does mean that I find ways to remember my husband and his needs. It means I save some of my energy for him. This keeps me from being selfish and living only for my own needs and wants. Maintaining that focus helps to defeat isolation in our marriage.

4. Submit to the leadership of your husband.

Just mention the word “submission,” and many women immediately become angry and even hostile. Some husbands and wives actually believe submission infers that women are inferior to men in some way. Some women think that if they submit they will lose their identity and become non-persons. Others fear (some with good reason) that submission leads to being used or abused. Another misconception is that submission means blind obedience on the part of the woman. She can give no input to her husband, question nothing, and only stay obediently barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. What does God have in mind? Here’s a key passage from Scripture:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. —Ephesians 5:22-30